Ask Aunt Jennyanydots
by Zazzie
Summary: Have a problem? Aunt Jennyanydots is here to help! (CATS humor fiction, don't take seriously or else your brain may turn to mush)
1. I'm Not Obsessed

Disclaimer: I do not own CATS in any way, shape, form, or state of mind….stop looking at me like that!

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Dear Auntie Jennyanydots,

I have a very sereious problem.

Excuse me. My friend just corrected me. It's spelled 'seryous'. (thanks, Electra!) Everyone thinks I'm obsessed with a certain tom, and I can't get them to stop thinking about me like that! Well, yes, I'm in love with him, I scream when he's around, hug him all the time, think of plans to make him fall in love with me, daydream about when I grow out of kitten hood and he finally realizes my amazingly wonderful beauty, and have stolen a few pieces of fur off of his mane when he was not looking and pasted them on my wall….but what of it?

I certainly am not obsessed. Not me.

Please help!

Yours trueley,

(ahem. "Truly")

-I Am Not Obsessed With Tugger


	2. How to Not Be Obsessed

To: Not Obsessed,

My darling kitten. I am afraid to say that, in actuality, you _are_ quite obsessed. Don't worry about it, though. It's a phase that all kits go through (especially with that Tugger walking around, 'strutting his stuff' and whatnot. Shocking. I don't know what went wrong with his upbringing….).

Where was I?

Oh, yes. There _are _ways for you to stop being Obsessed, and to Get Over Tugger. Just follow these steps:

Make a vow to not make any noise for a whole week. This can be surprisingly effective, seeing as you will not scream at Tugger.

Slap him in the face. Heavyside knows, he needs it.

Return his fur.

Take up tatting. I'd be happy to teach you.

Find a nice tom your own age…better yet, find a nice rubber mouse. You shouldn't be looking at toms at your age.

Sincerely, Aunt Jennyanydots

P.S: When finding the aforementioned mouse, make sure it's fake- I should be quite cross to find you tormenting one of my pupils.


	3. Ruined

Dear Aunt Jennyanydots,

I need your help. You're good at getting spills out of fur, right? My humans recently spilled hot chocolate on my perfect white fur! It kind of hurt, but that's not the point: my perfect white fur is completely ruined! I am practically in tears! (Now I _am_ crying. This will stain my fur even more….so tragic.) (wait…do tears stain? I hope not! It will add to my wall of absolute misery!) Can you give me some tips on how it get it out? I'm totally ruined! No one will ever love me again! I can barely look in the mirror!

Help me!

Ruined White Princess

P.S: Okay, it only spilled on part of one paw…but it's horrible!


	4. Wonderful, Detailed Advice

Dear Ruined Princess,

I'd suggest soap and water.

Yours,

Jenny


	5. Not Obsessed

Dear Jennyanydots,

Do you know how cute you are for an older queen?

Your leopard spots are absolutely _adorable_. And that face of yours! So well taken care of and….um, clean!

Anyway, I need your help.

I'm a tom who is quite…._popular _among the queens. They love me, love stroking my fur, love listening to my soothing voice… Ahem, anyway, to get to the point, I have quite a little fan club. (That's not the problem though. So cute, I love them to pieces. Maybe I'll even stoop to dating one of them one day.) But there's this one member….she used to be _obsessed _with me. She's follow me everywhere, cling to me, scream in joy when I was around… it got quite annoying, come to think of it. But lately…she's stopped.

You see…

I was walking through the junkyard, listening to the wonderful music of queens sighing over my dashing looks, when she walked up to me. The first thing I noticed was that she didn't scream or squeal. In fact she didn't make a sound. Then she had the nerve to _slap _me- right there, in public! "Etcetera!" I exclaimed, shocked. (I apologize for using names, but that was who it was. Besides, I think you saw. Some people claim you were nodding approvingly, but I know that you weren't.) "What's the matter?" I asked in my sexiest voice. She usually get's a big kick out of me talking to her, especially when I use her name. She smiled excitedly at me, bouncing up and down, and handed me a clump of fur. "Here you go!" she chirped. She turned to the crowd that had gathered. "See? I'm perfectly normal!" she yelled in a very hyper tone, gave me a big hug, and bounded off.

I think I've lost my biggest fan.

Please give me tips to get her obsessed again! I miss it!

Worse, what if this means that I'm not attractive anymore!

Love always,

Dashing Young Tom with a Fluffy Mane Who is Suddenly Without His Biggest Fan

P.S: Perhaps I should think of a better alias.


	6. We Have Ourselves a Predicament

Dear Dashing Young Tom,

Well, we _do _have ourselves a predicament, don't we?

My advice: Don't try to get her to Stop Being Un-Obsessed. It's rather bad for her health.

Though, if you sincerely want to win back her affections, buy her some flowers and a nice ball of yarn. Also, break up with that Bombalurina queen. (yes, a queen my age knows about you two…who doesn't?) Come to think of it, wait for this fan of yours to get a bit older. (I sincerely do not see why kits her age fall in love so easily- and with the wrong people, too.) But of course, by the time's she's older, she will have tired of her fantasies of you. It may be best for you to let her go.

Though she's in my tatting class, if you're interested in joining.

Yours,

Jennyanydots

P.S. Flattery will get you no where.

P.P.S. The young queen didn't give you back _all _the fur she's stolen. Just to inform you.

P.P.P.S. But that doesn't mean that she isn't still over you.

P.P.P.P.S. Also- stop seeing that Cassandra before I tell Bombalurina, and she gives you a good licking as well!


	7. Frustrated 25pounder

Dear 'Aunt' Jennyanydots,

'Aunt' Jennyanydots. It suits you.

As you may know (as you saw me handing this to you), I am quite a fat cat. I am rather proud of it, as I had always thought it gave me a scholarly, astute dignity about me. But my human family's veterinarian- horrible things, veterinarians. Always 'winking' at you, giving you no proper respect…

Anyway, my family's veterinarian informed my humans that my…gluttony was getting a bit dangerous to my health. Along with saying that they should cease to take me with them when taste-testing across the globe- (_take me with them_? I was most offended.)- they said I should go on a diet.

_Go on a diet._

How in heavyside's name am _I_, of all people, going to do this?

Sincerely,

Frustrated Twenty-five Pounder


	8. I HighlyDoubt This Would Work

Dear Frustrated,

No need to go on a diet! I have attacked a clipping I found in a human magazine. It gives you information on something called a 'fitness center'. You can work it all off without having to stop eating whatsoever!

They may not accept cats, though. It they don't, show me to them and I'll give them a talking to.

That is, if they speak cattish, which is highly doubtful.

Cheerio,

Jennyanydots

P.S. Jellylorum wanted me to make sure that you two are still on for seven tomorrow night. I told her it was rude of her to convey a personal message within a _business _letter, but she just looked up pointedly at me over her cards and told me to go fish. Hmph.


	9. Sick and Tired of Being Catnapped

Dear Aunt Jennyanydots,

Help. Help. I've been catnapped!

_Again. _

Seriously! This is the fourth time this month! It's getting boring! Cells are getting boring! Hearing Macavity 'mwahahaha' about a thousand times in a row is getting boring! (Not to mention _extremely _annoying)

Do you have any tips on how to get out of a hidden lair? Or, more importantly, tips on how to pass the time until I'm rescued? If you do, I can't thank you enough. I'll get this letter to you by one of those Henchcats Who Are Really on Your Side But Are Afraid of Macavity So They Have to Pretend They're Not. (yawn.)

Sincerely,

Sick and Tired of Being Catnapped

Jennyanydots,

If you receive any letters from any _dear _prisoners of mine, ignore it. Or else…I know where you live…..

Hidden Paw

A/N: Sorry I haven't updated in so long. Thank you to everyone for the reviews….especially my triple review back there. :) Yes, you can make requests, even though they may not pop up for a while, as I have a lot pre-written. By the way, Chimalmaht, I may be doing a dancing thingie soon, so…yay.


	10. What Would Your Mother Think?

Dear Hidden Paw,

I'll do no such thing.

This is an _advice _service. It isn't meant to be used to pass on _threats_. What would you mother think?

_You should be ashamed of yourself! _

Sincerely,

Jennyanydots

Dear Sick of Being Catnapped,

There, there. I'll send Munkustrap along to find you as he always does. Until then, may I suggest tatting?

Yours,

Jennyanydots


	11. Railway Cat

Dear Aunt Jennyanydots,

Is there an 'Uncle' Jennyanydots?

Railway Cat


	12. Some toms never learn

You're worse than Jelly, Skimble.  
NO MESSAGES OVER MY BUSINESS LINE.

See you tomorrow night, if I'm not too stern with you.

Jenny

A/N: Out of off-topic interest, should I actually continue AOD?


	13. OCC

Dear Aunt Jennyanydots,

Hmm. I wonder why I'm writing to you when I could just ASK you this. Well, it's less embarrassing if it's anonymous, I suppose.

You see…Well there's this…This queen…. And I…Well, she….

Okay, yeah, I'll start that one over.

I have certain…Feelings for a queen. Strong. Feelings. I've been trying to impress her lately….And she does seem impressed. She especially liked the last thing I did for her, involving conjuring a mouse holding a rose from her ear….

And she really likes me! I swear, she really does.

The problem is, she likes me so much that she wants me to show my wonderful magic tricks to her _tomfriend_.

Any suggestions of what to do? I'm really rather in a mix-up here.

-The OCC

A/N- I know, not particularly witty/original, etc., but at least I'm continuing this. Thanks for all the feedback, that's what got me to carry on…


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